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Stalker Wanted w4m
I admit it. Never in my 35 years have I had a stalker. I'm not counting that guy in high school whose virginity I took. He was more like a horny puppy that wanted to dry hump my leg. I'm talking the real stalker deal. I've never had that creepy feeling that I was being followed in the supermarket, only to do a double take and see nothing more than the flash of a shopping cart wheel. I've never walked out to my car to find a mysterious note written in the cut out letters of discarded People magazines. I've never looked into my pantie drawer to find all of my unmentionables have been pawed through and that some of the less fabric heavy of them are missing. I've never open my mailbox to find a blank greeting card filled with pictures of myself taken with a telephoto lense while I seemed to be out on some daily errands. Never once have I come home to dead flowers on my doorstep with an angry message written in some foreign substance about how I "cheated" and was a "whore" because I went out to dinner with my gay brother. Checked my voice mail only to find it filled with long messages of hard, moist breathing? Not me. I've never gotten out of the shower only to find that window I was sure that was locked is now hanging open with the curtain blowing ominously in the breeze. Call me crazy, but I feel like I'm missing out on an important part of life here. I would love to have my own personal stalker before I'm too old to run terrified through the streets in the dead of night, kicking off my heels so I can run faster only to trip, twisting my ankle a la any Lifetime movie.
Please, be creative. Years of horror movies and self defense classes have raised my scare factor. Be attractive. Nobody wants a stalker that doesn't have good hygiene or has let themselves go. That's why they never get the girl! Be nice. I'm sure your mother told you you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. Yes, that saying has it's faults, but really, are you wanting to get a fruit fly or a house fly? Bigger is better. Bonus for doing this in a geeky way. Smart is the new sexy. Don't expect me to get my knickers in a twist straight away. I like to be romanced, as it were. No drug users please. It deadens the brain and you lose that jen ne se qua.
Think you're up to the task? Please put "Your new Stalker" in the subject like to weed out spam. Don't send me to any of those pay for stalker sites either. I don't care how good you are or how many years of experience you have, I'm not gonna just GIVE you my info.
ETA:
I've gotten a crazy (ooohh, see what I did there?) amount of replies to this post. I feel the need to add a few things. You must be 30+. Seriously. I'm not into the whole cougar/cub thing. Or, would it be cub stalking a cougar? Feel free to discuss that in your SA meetings. You will get favorable attention if you add a pic. No, it won't knock down your stalker cred. No, it won't make me be less terrified of you. Remember that whole attractive thing I mentioned above? This is in "strictly platonic" for a reason. Don't expect to get your dick wet unless you are also a nudist and tend to like to do your peeping in the rain. Want to move to the top of the consideration list? Give me a some examples or ideas of your work. I'm not looking for a resume, references or a background check. However, I do want to be amazed by your words. "IM UP 4 IT HITZ MEH BACKZ!" will not be accepted.
Tammara
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